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• Surviving in Horror Movies
  • in General
  • if Male
  • if Female
• Surviving in older Black&White Horror Movies
  • if Male
  • if Female
• Surviving in Alien Creature Movies
  • in General

Surviving in Horror Movies in General

• Never, ever, separate or otherwise break up the group, even to go to the bathroom. A little bit of embarrassment is nothing compared to having a spear impaled though your torso.
  
• If you are being chased through the woods don't just meander around crying and stumbling over things. Pick up a large stick and hide in waiting behind a tree. Be ready to swing around behind you as the scriptwriter is likely to place the monster/slasher right there.
  
• Remember, no matter how fast you run, swim, or drive a fast car the threat will always be right in your immediate vicinity.
  
• And if you do manage to knock the monster/slasher down, don't just run away, for God's sake finish him off and then sit there watching for any movement and hit them again till they stop. A monster in hand is worth thirteen in the bush. Of course, check your targets. Make sure what you're hitting is not one of your own comrades. The class clown characters tend to mimic the slasher and get killed off in this way.
  
• If you do mistakenly kill the class clown do not drop your weapon and run off crying into the woods. The stupid idiot asked for it by dressing up like the slasher. Stand your ground and wait for the real target. If anything, be cleaver and use the body as bait or a decoy.
  
• Never get naked or even semi-naked. For some reason nudity is synonymous with vulnerability, and scriptwriters take full advantage of that.
  
• Always carry a second gun, knife, rock, or other weapon. The first is likely to miss, be knocked out of your hand, misfire, etc, etc.
  
• Also always look around for those clever but unlikely weapons. Scriptwriters love this. However, it is unlikely you will manage to do something as complicated as mixing the elements of gun powder together in the right proportions to improvise a bazooka as the monster approaches.
  
• If you are a police officer, never, under any circumstance, announce that you are a short time away from retirement. You might as well be called "Officer Deadmeat."
  
• Couples that appear to be embracing for a long period of time without moving are usually dead and simply impaled on the same object.
  
• Don't pull back the sheets on something in a bed that doesn't respond to your voice. You won't like what you find.
  
• If you do chance upon something gruesome, don't scream. All you've done is tell the slasher exactly where you are. Assuming, of course, that he is not already right behind you.
  
• Never look up at a swinging ax. This is the time to put that "duck and cover" training into use. A defensive wound is far better than a hatchet in the face.
  

Surviving in Horror Movies if Male

• Don't be a rude jock.
  
• Don't be an extreme nerd.
  
• Don't be a class clown.
  
• Don't get drunk. Actually this is not necessarily true. Many horror situations seem to favor children, fools, and drunks. If you are drunk when the movie starts you are probably safer than if you get drunk sometime later in the movie.
  
• DO be a slightly shy otherwise normal guy with some sense of religion (which makes me dead meat).
  
• Don't be selfish. Avoid saying thinks like "do what ever you want with the girl but leave me alone." Scriptwriters tend to favor selfless characters. However, this is no guarantee as classic tragedy often involves at least one undeserving death.
  
• If you are in a love scene with a female that is not the main character don't leave her alone, even for a moment, to disrobe, investigate a noise, or anything. Otherwise when you return you are likely to find her laying motionless staring glassy eyed up at the ceiling. That's because she's dead and you're next.

Surviving in Horror Movies if Female

• Do not have sex. This actually goes for both genders.
  
• Do not even wear provocative lingerie. Especially things like push up bras or anything with garters. You might as well wear a neon sign flashing "slash me." Remember that in the mind of the scriptwriter open sexuality must be punished.
  
• Also don't wear high heeled stiletto shoes. These are hard to run in. Now, I am not saying that it is impossible to run in heels. If you are limber and in shape with strong ankles then running in heels is possible. I've seen it done. But you're unlikely to get the speed and maneuverability you will need in a combat situation. If anything take the heels off and use them as a weapon.
  
• If you are a nurse do not talk about or keep a diary of doctors you have dated.
  
• Also if you are a nurse, never investigate a noise or open door in a room where there are no patients. Call security, they may not admit it but that's what they're paid for.
  
• If you find yourself tied up and gagged you probably CAN get free or at least warn others. I have tied up enough girlfriends to know that horror movie bondage tends to be pretty lame.
  
• In a horror movie avoid anything kinky. As soon as your costumed lover handcuffs you to the bedpost they will either be hit over the head by the slasher or turn out to BE the slasher. (Yes, this is still true even if you switch gender roles.) In the scriptwriters mind anyone kinky is destine to be either villain or victim. (Its all part of that punishing sexuality thing.)

Surviving in Older Black&White Movies if Male

• If you're going to carry a gun don't take some small snubbed nose pee shooter that is smaller than your hand simply because it fits in your coat pocket. You are more likely to hurt the monster by throwing it at them.
  
• Don't throw your gun at the monster.
  
• Don't hold the gun down low and jerk it forward while shooting. You're not going to make the bullets go any faster, at least not enough to make a difference, and you're more likely to miss the target.
  
• Always tell others where you are going. Too many monster movie characters die by going off and investigating something alone.
  
• And what ever you do, don't tell the bad guy you are going to go to the authorities with what you know. Your chances of making it out the front door are grim.
  
• Never assume an Army patrol can kill the monster.
  
• Don't hang around with the Army patrol while they try to kill the monster. This is your chance to put some distance between you and the menace.
  
• If the monster can shoot special effects from its eyes, mouth, or whatever, then immediately seek cover. And, I mean REAL cover like a hill side or mountain. Tanks and other armored vehicles just don't cut it in this situation. They tend to melt, vaporize, or blow up.

Surviving in Older Black&White Movies if Female

• Don't wear negligees and walk around with candles. Take the time to change cloths and wear something in which you can fight or flight. Also, flashlights make better weapons, even though blunt, than candles, with the possible exception of mummies which ignite pretty easily.
  
• If you awaken to find yourself strapped to a large wooden table then you are in the mad scientist laboratory. If he approaches you with what looks like a metal spaghetti strainer with wires attached then be alarmed cause you're about to have your brain swapped with that of a gorilla.
  
• If you encounter a large bald ogre of a henchman, don't scream. His name is Tor. Be nice to him. If he takes a liking to you he may very well come to your defense and bash the mad scientist before he can throw that big menacing electrical switch. You might have to put up with some groping, but that is much better than having your brain swapped with that of a gorilla.
  

Surviving in Alien Creature Movies in General

• Don't stop on planets to check out mysterious distress signals.
  
• If it looks weird, then stay away from it. Especially don't touch it.
  
• Don't shoot at anything you can't out run.
  
• Avoid sexual recreations like holographic simulation chambers. (Alien monster movie scriptwriters are just about as bad as horror movie ones when it come to dealing with issues of sexuality.)
  
• If its a sexy female that is not a member of the crew or anyone you have ever seen before then shoot. Especially if "she" knows your name.
  
• If it's someone from your past that's dead then shoot. Again, especially if it calls your name. Remember, the real one's already dead.
  
• Keep a watch out for odd skin conditions. Seek medical help immediately if you find such. If you find yourself starting to think "monster thoughts" then it's probably too late.
  
• Remember there is likely to be a human traitor in your midst that is worse than the monster.
  
• When in doubt, just nuke them from orbit. Its the only way to be sure. (Shamelessly stolen quote from Aliens)